Captain Awkward had a column on this...

[boxofdelights]

Nixie is enjoying being at UIUC. She is really excited that she can go to a psychology brown-bag (where someone presents their research) every! day!

Living in a strange place is uncomfortable, still. It's too humid to run during the day; she's thinking about taking a self-defense class; she'd like to make friends, but that's so easy when you're just dropping by other people's already-full lives; she doesn't have internet at home; one of her roommates never stops talking.

Since a lot of what he doesn't stop talking about is how wonderful he is, I thought maybe this was his sad idea of how to impress girls, but he does the same unstoppable monologue with their landlord, who is a man, and the landlord doesn't deal with it any better than Nixie. I know Captain Awkward had a column on this. Do any of you have it bookmarked? Or do you have any strategies to try?

Comments

[malnpudl]

This one?

It's a reeeeeeally tough problem when it's someone you live with. *wince*

At work you at least have the excuse of, you know, work for why you can't listen forever.

Being a dog person, I'd be inclined to try straightforward behavioral modification strategies. Simply put, don't reward undesirable behavior. When Talkie Dude is going on and on and on, don't smile, don't nod, don't go "mm-hm," try to minimize eye contact and other tacit acknowledgement. Pretty much you ignore the [dog / person / whoever] as much as you possibly can when they're doing something you don't want to encourage.

You have to be willing to seem rude, which is hard for women. But Talkie Dude is already being appallingly rude, and sometimes an alternative, quietly passive form of what would normally be considered rudeness with anyone else is what works. Walk away when you can, ignore when you can't, and above all, don't reward.

Once you see some indications of behavior change, the cool thing is that you get to reward it by giving him some attention -- strategically brief with a built-in ending (plan it ahead), but positive, with smiles and friendliness.

Anyway, there's my two cents, for what it may be worth.

[boxofdelights]

Yes, thank you! I have forwarded your comment to Nixie.

[jesse_the_k]

Humans are trainable! Using dog techniques has been very successful for me.

[the_siobhan]

I tend to just say things like, "I'm reading now." or "I need some quiet time now"... and just walk away or otherwise stop listening. (I can do "not listening" though, which is something that not everybody can manage easily. I do think it's a learnable skill.)

Unless it's before coffee. Then I just stare blankly at them and say "Wuuuut?" occasionally. But I do that with everybody.

[melannen]

I have a friend who, once you get him started, just keeps talking. (I think it's honestly because he's very very lonely, so give him a chance to interact and he grabs what he can. But anyway.)

I have resorted to just saying "Hey, sorry, I have to go do stuff now" and leaving the room after a minute or two. My experience is that people who are so deaf to social cues that they don't notice the more subtle "please stop talking and go away now" signs are usually not actually that offended by that kind of bluntness, as long as you're friendly when it works for you? And if they are deeply offended, well, that's not 'lack of social cues', that's 'utterly self-absorbed', and frankly, no loss...

The other thing that works on some people is headphones. You don't actually have to be listening to anything, just if they start talking at you, you tap the headphones and shrug. People who are trainable (as per malnpudl above) tend to pretty quickly pick up on "headphones - do not engage, no headphones - interaction okay".

[boxofdelights]

Excellent suggestion.

talking talking talking

[bibliofile]

I've noticed this especially in people who don't interact with other people very often. Wish I'd thought of the headphones thing earlier!

Re: talking talking talking

[melannen]

Yeah, I recognize it because I do it myself - I'm pretty introverted, but if I go a week or two without talking to anybody socially, the next time I am in a situation where I can, I don't shut up for about an hour.

...I think there are some people, unfortunately, whose clock resets after about six hours of not talking to anyone else, rather than six days. That can be a trial for those of us who need quiet time. Or who want a chance to get a word in edgewise....

(however there are also people who are just plain assholes. they're even more difficult to deal with.)

[sasha_feather]

"I don't mean to be rude, but you talk kind of a lot and I need to have quiet time."

Bluntness, or, +1 to the above commenter.