an interpersonal difficulty

[boxofdelights]

There is someone who sometimes goes to Wiscon that I don't want to interact with. We have lots of friends in common, but this is not a problem: when they join a conversational group that I'm in, I leave. However. Last Wiscon, every time this person entered a party room or the consuite when I was already there, they immediately joined the conversational group that I was in. I don't know whether this was on purpose. I might just always have been talking to the most interesting people in the room. But if it was on purpose, it's a problem. I suppose I should talk to them about it, but (1) I don't want to interact with them; (2) if it was on purpose, I don't see any good outcome; (3) if it wasn't on purpose, I think a response of, "Now that you've pointed it out, I'll avoid it when it doesn't inconvenience me," is a million times less likely than, "Now that you've pointed it out, I will do this on purpose to teach you that you don't get to control who I talk to."

Advice?

Comments

[sonia]

Ask close friends to run interference for you? Having someone physically stand between me and the problem person in a similar situation was a big relief.

Also, I'm sorry to hear about the situation. Sounds painful and difficult.

[bibliofile]

If not interference, maybe a keyword or key phrase that you could use with various people to signal, "walk away with me, won't you?" Actually, that could be pretty handy in different kinds of situtations.

[boxofdelights]

That would be handy.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[sasha_feather]

I also think that close friends are the solution here. Have a friend talk to the person for you sounds a lot easier than talking to them yourself: the stakes are lower. This friend can just say "give her some space."

You can also talk to Safety if it comes to that....

[boxofdelights]

It's definitely not a Safety issue.

[jesse_the_k]

This stinks!

I'd be delighted to do impolite things to them at your direction, though of course you would never want such a thing.

More seriously, I can talk the paint of a wall. If you want me to distract someone, I am confident I can do it with annoying stories alone.

[boxofdelights]

I appreciate the thought. Sometimes thinking up all the impolite things one could do and cackling over them with a friend is the best possible solution.

[hobbitbabe]

Not really. But sympathy. I had an awkward thing last night that feels similar that I should write up.

I think if I were in your position, I would probably spend a couple more years/cons just walking away and getting angry. This would not be ideal. A somewhat better variant would be to enlist a few friends as helpers so that if they were also in the group, they would walk away with you. I would do that for you if I were going.

If it was on purpose, are you thinking that the person was intentionally wanting to spend time with you for fun, or wanting to annoy you? My guess would be the former. And I think that there could possibly be a better outcome from either telling them you didn't want to talk to them or having someone else deliver that message. However, it also might turn out like that thing where someone thinks that zie can fix things by responding to you directly, like that guy at a Boston con who kept pursuing a woman to "apologize".

[amaebi]

I don't think that fun and annoying another are distinct, even if fun is not a result of annoying another.

I suspect that "But I WANT it!" nay be in play.

As always, I immediately accept correction from the principal. :D

[hobbitbabe]

I feel like I wasn't very clear, then.

If the person was intentionally jumping into all boxofdelights' conversations, I think it was more likely because the person wanted to be around boxofdelights, than because zie knew zie was unwelcome and zie wanted to be a jerk. I don't think that excuses the person at all, but I think that knowing a bit more about why it was happening might help in targeting a solution. (And I REALLY don't want this to sound like the kind of insensitive adult who tells the little girl that the boy is picking on her because he LIKES her. She has done nothing wrong and does not deserve this.)

Of course, correction from the principal is always appropriate.

[amaebi]

I do apologize-- I think I understood your original meaning, and was exercising my annoying habit of automatically thinking of counterexamples.

I wasn't trying to correct you, just thinking out loud.

[amaebi]

I have no advice. Your analysis seems sound.

I will pray that the incidents cease.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[wild_irises]

I third (or fourth) the friends suggestion. Since you don't want to interact with this person, two or three of your close peeps should know who the person is and be able to run some interference. Possibly someone else should talk to the problem person, but the talker-to would have to be awfully good at intervening.

[amaebi]

+1

[merielle]

Boo. Sympathy. I have a couple of people I feel similarly about and I had a WTF interaction last year that left me shaking for an hour. It totally sucks to have the Wiscon bubble burst/vibe get harshed.

I hope you don't end up needing to deploy any solutions, but +1 on the friend intervention and code phrase ideas. An exit strategy is a good thing.

Hope you have a great and drama-free Wiscon!