(no subject)

[boxofdelights]

I have been listening to a lot of emotionally manipulative language lately, ranging from "you're going to hate me saying this, but," through "if *my* beautiful teenage daughter were suddenly having convulsions, I would want to *do something* about it," all the way up to "so, just, no driving for three months, you're okay with that? And after three months, if she has a seizure behind the wheel, and kills herself and maybe someone else, you're okay with that?"

I realize that decades away from that kind of language doesn't give me any protection from hearing it again. But hearing it again gives me all kinds of appreciation for the decades away from it.

I realize that when my husband asks, "Why did you tell them?" he doesn't mean, "You shouldn't have told them." He doesn't mean, "You should have known better than to tell them." He doesn't mean what it would have meant in my family of origin, "Since I can see a way you could have avoided this, any suffering you experience is entirely your own fault." He just means, "Why?"


Said beautiful teenage daughter is WWOOFing in Belize.

Comments

[schemingreader]

My friend Lily would say, "Your family is MEAN," and then laugh nervously and touch your forearm reassuringly.

IF I could, I would fly her over to your house to meet you and tell you that. She did it for me and it changed my life, and your family is a whole hell of a lot meaner than mine.

[redbird]

Oh, dear. And "So, if she shouldn't be driving, you're volunteering to disrupt your own life to drive her everywhere she wants to go whenever is convenient for her for the rest of her life?" isn't likely to shut them up, even though they are probably assuming either that you should do that, or that she doesn't have the right to go where she wants.

I don't mean to minimize the risks here: but I am not a doctor, let alone her doctor, and I don't know what they are. I do know that "no driving for n months, and then it's okay if she hasn't had a seizure in that time" is fairly standard—and if she actually accepts her doctor's stricture on that, she's more civic-minded than a lot of people.

[amaebi]

I'm wondering whether the beautiful teenage daughter is receiving any similar delights, and if so, how she's responding....

[loligo]

And so many times, people who say horrible things like that are convinced that they're being *helpful*.... argh. It's so creepy.

[hobbitbabe]

You have done so well in not passing those manipulations and strings on to your children.

I'm so glad she went off WOOFing.

[kalmn]

That all sounds too exciting. *hug*

[gingicat]

I've just added you because amaebi linked to you and then I came over and read you and thought, I should get to know this woman.

On the topic of this post, people's assumptions are odd. And complex. And very, very odd. I do not have enough information about your daughter's seizure disorder to weigh in.

[boxofdelights]

Delighted to meet you!

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Am I right in thinking your beautiful teenage daughter is, in fact, over 18 years old?

If so, it's her decision, not yours. You can support her and advise her, but you can't make her do anything. And the people using emotionally manipulative language are using it on the wrong person. I'm sorry that you're having to listen to it :/

[boxofdelights]

You are right! I think that what they expect me to do is use emotionally manipulative language on her. Because that is what you do when you *care*.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

On the list of posts I need to write is one about why Richard and I still haven't got married after almost 15 years together, and how whenever I start trying to think seriously about a wedding, I get stomach cramps at the thought of dealing with any of my birth family.

I'm not sure if it's possible to simply not invite any of them. I think my wretched father would complain, even though all he'll do if he does go is show off.

Unwanted and unwelcome comments from my family have never made me felt cared for. It's bad enough that I've had to receive them from other people at school or college - I shouldn't have to be given them by people that supposedly love me as well. To me, a big part of loving someone is giving them the space to be their own person and make their own decisions - even if you hate the decision that they've made and really wish they'd picked something else!