Well, how did I get here?

[boxofdelights]

Can't sleep. Moping.

The house painter emailed Friday to say that he was done, and to send the final check to his house. I went to the house today and was dismayed. It's mint-green. Unnatural mint-toothpaste green. I picked a pale sage green for the body of the house and a dark green for the foundation and trim. I got the pale green, but the dark green was replaced somehow by this bright toothpaste. I hate it.

So, I'm trying to figure out how did this happen? Which has turned into fretting about what is wrong with me, that over and over and OVER, I think I am communicating with another person, I think we have reached an agreement, I do my part (at least, I think so) and I end up with a hideous mess for which the other person is shocked -- shocked! -- that I am not delighted and grateful.

I'm sure it will be useful or at least diverting to track down exactly where the miscommunication happened. But, face facts, the only thing that all these miscommunications have in common is me. So, I wish I knew, what is wrong with me?

Comments

[wild_irises]

Miscommunications happen to everyone. The amazing thing is that communications happen. It's very likely not about you, but about the space between you and the house painter.

I ended up having my front hall repainted because the color I was so confident of when he painted a swatch was not at all the color I wanted when he painted the whole thing.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

Is it possible that you are assuming that people get it, when perhaps they don't? When you picked the colors, did you specify a certain brand color, or a paint "formula"?

If you said, "I want Behr "Chopped Chive," color number S-H-460" and you got mint green, then it was obviously the painter's mistake, or it was the paint mixer's mistake, and I can't see how you could blame yourself in any small way.

I always assume that most folks are only half listening to me, and that they are forgetful. Every once in a while, my communication style will irritate someone, but really, not very often.

Mike has a code for when I am being too opaque for him: "I'm not wearing my ESP hat today."

[cordelia_v]

If you said, "I want Behr "Chopped Chive," color number S-H-460" and you got mint green, then it was obviously the painter's mistake, or it was the paint mixer's mistake, and I can't see how you could blame yourself in any small way.

This. Usually in dealing with painters (or my husband, who does our indoor painting), I hand them the paint color chip from the store and say "here, this color, please." If you did that and the color is not that which was on the chip (I mean, you can hold it up against the trim green and check), then you need to ask them to redo it. And you're not to blame in any way at all.

If you only used adjectives, like "dark green," then there's room for miscommunication, certainly. Either way, I would ask him to repaint the trim, since even mint green is not "dark green." But paint chips are your friends, too.

[amaebi.livejournal.com]

I was thinking-- worrying-- yesterday about not hearing from you. But I knew you were busy.

You are not the only common factor. You and every other agent works in our world, this society. That is the common factor. And here's how it plays out. Communication is costly and lossy. It is perhaps at its most recalcitrant when everyone thinks they understand what's wanted and what's agreed-- because then what's to check? On those occasions when everyone thinks that wrongly, well, there you are. And then blame. We're a blame-based society. Blame must exist when things fall through, but it's a hot potato. So you get passed it.

You're fine. You communicate well. Here, give me that potato, if it's got to exist. I'll salt it and eat it. :D

[wcg.livejournal.com]

If it were me, I'd call him and tell him that the foundation/trim color is not the color we agreed on, and that he'll get paid when it is that color. There should be a contract for this work, and I hope the contract includes the colors you specified. But even if it doesn't, this is what small claims courts are for. I know it's a giant PITA to go to a court, but it's less of one than living in a house for years and years with the color scheme different from what you clearly asked for.

[pennski.livejournal.com]

Trust what your friends are telling you!

Our hallway ended up mint green rather than sage because on the shelf the two colours looked close enough that we went with the darker one. Definitely our fault that time.

[p-zeitgeist.livejournal.com]

But, it isn't necessarily you.

I have close friends who recently did a major move, a thing that involved a great deal of close consultation with painters. I know for a fact that these are people who could not be clearer about what they wanted done. There were mistakes made anyway -- and that was with repeated inspections, and swatches left, and everything.

It happens to almost everyone: the only way I know of to prevent it is to actually be there when the work is being done, and that isn't always possible in real life.

So whatever else happens, for God's sake try not to blame yourself too much, irresistable though that may feel. Out here in the world outside your head? I am here to promise you that the odds are overwhelmingly high that this is Not. Your. Fault.

[fourgates.livejournal.com]

I have the impression that most people make this particular mistake at least once per lifetime. I now won't commit to any paint or trim without first buying a quart of each and painting a couple square feet of it on the intended target. I assume I'll need to do this two or three times to get the colors right before buying the full amount.

(I would also add that I haven't found a paint-matching machine that works as advertised. Close is the best I can hope for.)

[westdean.livejournal.com]

Nothing wrong with you - decorators always do this - he took your colour looked for the nearest and cheaper trade mix (you probably had specified a specific brand) and used it - it happens all the time believe me!

Addressing the larger issue

[rozasharn.livejournal.com]

You say you've experienced this kind of problem over and over, and the only thing all incidents have in common is you; I'm assuming that means the problem crops up not just with paint colors, but in many areas of life.

That could mean something is wrong with you, internally, or it could mean something is wrong with the way other people react to you. You're a woman, and sometimes classified as non-white. Either could account for lots of people not bothering to listen closely, not taking you seriously, pretending agreement to get you to shut up, and then expecting you to put up with whatever they felt like. It doesn't take personal connections between all those other people, just society's background prejudices and unofficial policy that less-important people aren't worth listening to or keeping bargains with.

Which is to say

1) It's not necessarily your fault.

2) There may be limits to how much you can do to fix it.

3) The things you can do may not be clearer communication. You may instead need to find ways to project more personal importance, or choose channels that give you outside backup (like signed contracts), or other techniques I don't know about.

[plasticsturgeon.livejournal.com]

If you have him do it over, make sure he doesn't leave the toothpaste and cover up the sage! That's the next logical mistake.

[bunnyjadwiga.livejournal.com]

Could the problem be, in fact, that you are human, and these sort of misunderstandings happen over and over again to most humans?

Some of us dwell on these things more than others, and strive more than others to avoid misunderstandings, but the truth is that since we are all human and we communicate as humans do, misunderstandings will happen.

What many of us have in common who wonder what is wrong with us because this sort of thing keeps happening to us is that we pay attention, remember, and hold ourselves responsible for these misunderstandings. That we claim that they are our fault doesn't make them our fault-- but it does make us continue to feel that they are our fault.

No multi-person project I know of gets all the way through without hitting misunderstandings.