grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man

[boxofdelights]

This morning I hear a knock on my door. My big dog is in the back yard and my little dog doesn't hear so well, so I don't know how long he has been knocking. I open it and see a tall hefty middle-aged white man, who smiles and asks, "Are you happy?"

My voice says "What?" while my face is saying "Are you crazy?"

He asks, "Is this [house number]?"

I say, "Yes?" Is he a Jehovah's Witness? One of those "real estate investors" who keeps asking to buy my house? A criminal knocking on random doors to see who answers? He is carrying a small fire extinguisher, which is not a great weapon, but he is a lot bigger than me.

His mouth gets wider. "Are you happy?"

I'm still looking at him like he's crazy. He's still looking at me like I'm the one who must be mistaken.

I shake my head. "What?!"

"I'm So-and-so from Such-and-such," he says reproachfully. "I told Abigail I'd be stopping by this morning."

"You have the wrong address," I say. "Maybe you're looking for South [street name]?"

He says that might be it. He doesn't apologize for bothering me.


I feel a lot of sympathy in response to this post about the emotional isolation of men, but I wish I could explain to men: Those defensive shields strange women raise when you approach them are not just about the possibility of assault. They're also about the actuality of your massive sense of entitlement to women's time and attention.

Comments

[asakiyume]

For
Real

omg

[boxofdelights]

He had a script all written for how that interaction was going to go, and he was not interested in my attempts to deviate from it.

[jesse_the_k]

Yikes!

[boxofdelights]

IKR? How does a person not even try to make himself non-threatening?

[lunabee34]

Wow. What a bizarre encounter.

[boxofdelights]

IKR? How does a person not even consider the possibility that he could be wrong?

[lcohen]

amen

[boxofdelights]

*hugs*

[silveradept]

Yes, that sounds like someone who is convinced they've got the right place and person, without bothering to check. And yes again to the feeling of entitlement that comes with anyone feeling like they're talking to a lesser, rather than a peer or a superior.

[boxofdelights]

Yes. It's funny how assigning yourself the role of "superior" makes you oblivious to so much of what is actually happening.

When I'm tutoring, and I say something that doesn't get heard the way I meant it, I don't think "My student is missing something." I start wondering, "What am I missing?"

This is why tutoring is very tiring for me. Two hours is a full day's work. This is also why I am very good at my job.

[sasha_feather]

Wow, how stressful.

[boxofdelights]

So stressful! But "stressful" is a tax that cis white able-bodied men just get to put on the rest of us. They just get to. Because.

[krait]

"You have the wrong address," I say. "Maybe you're looking for South [street name]?"
He says that might be it. He doesn't apologize for bothering me.

Adding to the chorus of 'Wow,' here! What nerve.

And I had essentially the same thought about that post - in an everyday encounter in a public place, I'm generally not worried about assault; I'm braced for something on the scale of "wasting my time" <---> "mansplaining" <---> "sexist/misogynist vitriol" and hoping to dodge it completely if possible.

[boxofdelights]

Me too! But when a cis white able-bodied man is trying to explain what he wants from me, and I can already tell that I am not going to give it to him, so I interrupt him to say "No", he always looks so shocked! So hurt! Why won't I let him explain?!

I love your icon.

[krait]

So shocked! Indeed. I'm sure if only you listened to his ten-minute (or thirty-minute) explanation, you would find that you could help him after all, or at least you'd be raptly interested and offer him sympathy. :D

[cynthia1960]

oh dear goddess yes that massive sense of entitlement that also manifests in the amount of space men take up on public transit....

[boxofdelights]

Yes indeed.