boundary scripts

[boxofdelights]

Scorpio Horoscope for week of February 5, 2015
In 1837, Victoria became Queen of England following the death of her uncle, King William IV. She was 18 years old. Her first royal act was to move her bed out of the room she had long shared with her meddling, overbearing mother. I propose that you use this as one of your guiding metaphors in the immediate future. Even if your parents are saints, and even if you haven't lived with them for years, I suspect you would benefit by upgrading your independence from their influence. Are you still a bit inhibited by the nagging of their voices in your head? Does your desire to avoid hurting them thwart you from rising to a higher level of authority and authenticity? Be a good-natured rebel.

I am really irritable with my mom right now. She's coming to Portland for Nixie's graduation, and so are my brother and sister and their kids and partners. I haven't seen any of them for years. My mom pointed out that Chris's kids are in seventh and fourth grades, and asked how long ago I had seen them, and said, "Oh, Susan." (Say "You're such a disappointment." That's the intonation my mom used to say, "Oh, Susan.") Now, it is true that I am, as I always have been, the shy one, the one who is always too tired, the one who would rather not go. (It is also true that the last time I went to Seattle I did not visit my brother (but my mom doesn't know that.)) But since Chris got married, I have taken my children to Seattle to visit his family three times. He has come to Colorado to visit my family zero times. I think she is reproaching the wrong person here.

I snapped at her for reproaching me. She said it wasn't a reproach. I said, "I think you meant that I should have gone there more often." She said she didn't say "should".

Then she said, "Don't get upset." Which. What!? What purpose does that serve? What purpose does a person saying that think that it serves? Is it possible to believe that it will help the other person not get upset?

I don't know, because I don't say things like that, but I can't see it as anything other than a dominance gesture. It presupposes that I, the speaker, am calm and rational, while you, the spoken-to, are irrational and emotional and upset. It presupposes that I am entitled to tell you what to feel. And it shifts the ground, so that the problem is no longer whatever I did; the problem is that you got upset.

I would prefer not to get upset. I prefer to remain calm, self-contained, arm's-length, unrufflable; to stay inside my boundaries and keep out of my mom's; specifically, not to react to what I think she's thinking. That's none of my business. What she says to me might be my business, but I'm trying to figure out how not to let it get under my skin.

But I think my mom wants us to be closer. I think she wants us to be affectionately close, or, failing that, to fake it; but I think she would rather ruffle me than let me stay at arm's length.

I'm working on scripts for when we are in person:

No hugging.

Because I don't want to.

"Because I don't want to" doesn't need a reason. It is the reason.

Because every time you touch me I flash back to that moment when I was twenty and you grabbed me between my breasts and stuck your thumb under my bra band and snapped it in order to prove that I wasn't wearing a bra, so I want you to keep your creepy creepy hands off my body -- I mean, I really think you'd rather I didn't answer that question.

Comments

[lilysea]

But I think my mom wants us to be closer. I think she wants us to be affectionately close, or, failing that, to fake it; but I think she would rather ruffle me than let me stay at arm's length.

Ugh. Your mom. I don't even.

(Does she remind me of my mother? Why, yes.)

[boxofdelights]

*sympathy*

[jesse_the_k]

Ahhhh. That's icky.

Great script on Capt Awkward today about maintaining mom boundaries (context mom snooping in daughter's sex toy drawer).

"You know mom, I'm not comfortable with that. We're really not that close."

"We're really not that close for us to be discussing [sex], [bra-wearing], [everything]."

Yes it's mean, but your mother's behavior sounds pretty mean.

[boxofdelights]

"You know mom, I'm not comfortable with that. We're really not that close."

That is so tempting!

The bra thing -- I realized at the time that it was horrible, but I didn't realize that it was not okay. You know what I mean? She said, "You really should be wearing a bra, you know," and I said, "I am wearing a bra," and she said, "No, you're not," and I said, "Yes, I am," and she grabbed me. And then she said, "Well, obviously you're wearing one that's too big!" and I walked away wondering whether my bra was too big.

[jesse_the_k]

No!

Why? Why? Why?

(My mom did similar weird shit. Took decades to understand this wasn't universal.)

[sasha_feather]

You're spot on that's a dominance move. She's allowed to get upset at your choices but you're not allowed to get upset at her judgments. :(

[boxofdelights]

Thank you for the anti-gaslighting.

[silveradept]

Oh, I know that shift well - they're allowed to experience the full range of emotions and do whatever they want to you, but you are instantly wrong and at fault of you show any sign of negative emotion.

It sucks.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.