i can't ask for anything i need

[boxofdelights]

Today I did a shift at the raptor center without Neal. My inability to ask a stranger for what I need is pathetic.

There's a computer where volunteers have to check in and out. When I got there, someone was sitting at that computer, entering data from a stack of papers. I waited politely. She looked up at me at one point, with a why are you standing at my elbow? face, but then picked up the next sheet and went back to typing in the data. So I gave up. I never checked in.

This is the first shift I've done with the E1 crew, who take care of some of the educational birds. (Educational birds are too damaged to ever be released, but tolerant enough of humans and of captivity to have a good quality of life attracting people and money to the raptor center.) There were two trainees on this shift. Trainees have to be supervised at all times, and of course we do everything slower than people who know what they're doing, but you have to give the trainees the chance to practice even when you're a bit behind and you could do it in a quarter of the time, so this shift ran really long. Towards the end, I finished writing up case notes while Leah, who had been supervising me, went off to get something else done. I waited politely for Heidi, who had also been supervising me earlier, to finish writing up her case notes, to ask if there was anything else I should do. She told me to read back the EASO (Eastern Screech Owl) and clean its cage. (You read the treatment plan and the previous seven days' case notes before you interact with a bird.) Then the other trainee came in and Heidi told her she could leave if she wanted. My feet and back hurt a lot; I had already cleaned an American Kestrel, a Peregrine Falcon, a Great Horned Owl, and a Barn Owl; I wanted to turn the EASO over to the other trainee and go home to eat dinner and watch Orphan Black with Neal, but I couldn't ask, even though the other trainee was not jumping at the chance to leave.

So I cleaned the EASO. Writing up the case notes I discovered that I was so tired I couldn't remember anything about how the bird had acted while I was in the cage. Then I just sat. I couldn't leave until I got Leah or Heidi to check off that I had done an E1 shift, but I couldn't bring myself to interrupt them. Carrie saw me and asked, "Are you okay? You look--"

"Tired," I said. "I'm just waiting for Leah to sign my handbook." And this hurt even more than my feet and my back: the humiliation of being too tired to do any work but too... shy or whatever to ask for what I needed in order to leave.

"Okay," said Carrie. "If you need anything, you can always ask me."


That osprey I mentioned last time got released. May it be many years before we see its leg band again.

Comments

[sasha_feather]

I know what that is like and it is so hard. <3

[loligo]

I'm not at all glad that you struggle with this, but I'm glad I'm not alone in having issues like that that make life difficult. There's a part of me that seems to hope that if I just keep forcing myself to do things that make me desperately uncomfortable, somehow I will magically be "cured", but I don't think it works that way.

[boxofdelights]

Yeah. Even where I have managed to develop some skills (no, really, I used to be even more pathetic than this!), the challenges level up faster than I do.

[seascribble]

That sounds incredibly challenging, and I am impressed with your continuing to volunteer.

[jesse_the_k]

Thank you for taking care of the birds even though it requires painful interactions.

[the_siobhan]

I was very much like that up to my 20s. And my mother would yell at me (sometimes in front of people) because she could not understand why I would not go talk to people. Which as you know, is totally helpful.

I hope things go more smoothly for you.

[(Anonymous)]

Suppose you had a friend or child that told you this story. What advice would you give? How would you try to help?

[boxofdelights]

I assume the question was meant for me, not for Siobhan, since Siobhan does have a friend who told her this story, and this is what she would say.

I don't know. I'm kind of crap at advice. If there is any advice that would be useful here I don't see it. I'd probably just commiserate. I might say "five cages is A Lot Of Cages" and "letting your trainee stand around wondering what to do is Bad Treatment Coordinator."

[firecat]

Glad you got to help the birds. I hope the necessary skills become easier with time.

[schemingreader]

I am happy that I know you in writing so that I have a chance to get to know you.