talking to strangers

[boxofdelights]

I went out to dinner tonight, which I don't usually do on Fridays because it is busy, and it was busy, so I sat at the bar. I usually read at dinner, but the bar was not well lit. There was no one to my left, fortunately (that's my deaf ear). To my right was a child and her mother. When my food came the woman asked what I had ordered, since it smelled so good. We talked about food, theirs and mine. She said she was just telling her daughter how important presentation was; the daughter had turned in a report that was just a mess! I asked the child what grade she was in and agreed that in fourth grade, teachers' expectations really level up.

The child asked the waiter whether he liked crystals, and showed him a crystal she found on the playground. I asked if I could see it too. From that point on the three of us were chatting. I had told the waiter that my son had left for college, since that is what I say these days when people ask how I am, so the woman asked where, and we talked about where we had lived and what we liked about their climates. We talked about math, and educational philosophy, and what we were reading. And when I left, the woman asked me my name, gave me hers, and her phone number, and urged me to call if I was bored or wanted to get a coffee. She said she was really interested in talking to me again.

I can do being charming for a short time -- obviously, since I just did it -- but it is exhausting. I enjoy this kind of conversation while I'm having it, but afterwards, I never want to talk to anyone again. And I certainly can't call her: I feel like such a faker. Not that I said anything that isn't true, but-- that was as much as I usually talk in a week. I am too embarrassed to tell you how high my blood pressure was.

Do you ever feel like this? How do you cope?

Comments

[twistedchick]

It sounds to me as if you may be an introvert who gets very overwhelmed by people, very easily. It takes a lot out of you to be charming and friendly.

How I cope is by balancing alone time -- totally alone or with only my husband around, and sometimes I ask him to go to a coffee shop or get groceries -- against people time. The more people, or the more intensity? The more alone time. When I had the intense four-day art workshop? I followed it with five days of alone time.

[seascribble]

I often find myself in situations with my friendgroup here where the inertia of not interacting makes me feel like I never want to talk to anybody again, but when I let myself be talked into participating in whatever social event is on offer or force myself to, I almost always find that I somehow do have the energy and desire to spent time with people. I obviously don't know you well enough to suggest that might be the case with you--if it were, you'd probably have already figured it out--but perhaps given more than one opportunity to interact, something like that might happen?

[snippy]

Yes, I feel like this-less than you do, I think. I describe myself as a highly social introvert, by which I mean that I like to be social with my friends and even some strangers, but then I need a lot of time alone thinking, reading, pursuing my hobbies (sewing, knitting) to recover before I have more social time. It took me a long time, all the years of my growing up (because my family of origin are all extroverts and being an introvert was punished) plus some of raising children (because as you know kids can't wait until you're ready to pay attention to them, they need attention NOW) to figure out what works for me to recover from the social stuff that I also enjoy very much.

I feel bad for you feeling like a faker, because that is the real you-it's just that it's only part of the real you, and another part of the real you is being an introvert, a person who becomes tired from social interaction even when they're enjoying it.

Another thing that I do, not so much for coping but to improve social relations, is tell people all this about myself. Often they start off not believing me (I mean, I am the life of the party and whatever I am doing is the most fun there is to be had, and that's all they've ever seen of me). I've had new people laugh and think I'm joking when I say I'm an introvert. But I am, and I learned that I need that time alone, and for me the limits on socializing are well-defined (and complicated) by how well I know the person or people, the number of people, the length of the encounter, and whether it's something I can leave at will when I notice I need to. I also have a basic rule: Leave while I'm still having fun. If I wait until I'm tired or anxious, that colors my memory of the entire experience, so it's better to take a chance on missing a little fun and leave than to stay and feel awful later.

[sasha_feather]

"Leave while I'm still having fun"! that is a great rule!!

[sasha_feather]

Did you enjoy talking to her? Would you like to see her again, if you could do so without calling?

[kalmn]

What Sasha said.

[schemingreader]

That sounds so nice to me! I am sort of a mixed introvert-extravert. I mostly hang out alone doing things, but I do like to see people and hang out with them. I don't get that level of stress when I finally get to talk with someone. In fact I often gush with excitement. Where I live, people are a lot more reserved, I have to say. I just took a plane back to Cleveland and it was like visiting another country.

I think if you'd gotten her email address, you would be in a better situation. Then you wouldn't have to phone these nice people to see them again. You could correspond a little, and see them again after a little while, when you start to feel like they aren't strangers. Though I don't know whether that will help with the fight-or-flight response you described.