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[personal profile] boxofdelights
• What are you currently reading?

The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown. Second attempt. I keep flinching at the part where she says "A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children." It's just that I've had to listen to way too many Nice Ladies explain that to me. For my own good. Really.

I want to read what Brené Brown has to say because she says that "fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." Which is pretty much the opposite of what the Nice Ladies in my past wanted me to do with my need for love and belonging.

But what does it mean to say that love and belonging are a need when so many people don't get any and survive anyway? And what about the equally important needs to be autonomous, to do good work, to live in accord with one's conscience? I'm sure that Brené Brown would say that those needs are compatible with love and belonging, but those Nice Ladies said that too, and what they meant was that I would be happy doing the work that they thought was good for me, and living by the conscience they thought I ought to have. And I wasn't allowed to leave, to seek out people who liked me, to try to create love and belonging with them; no, I was trapped. I had to strive to be loved by the people who were trapped with me. And the only thing I could change was myself.

• What did you recently finish reading?

The Brides of Rollrock Island, Margo Lanagan. As good as you said it would be.

• What do you think you’ll read next?

Best Friends Forever, Jennifer Weiner

Date: 2013-03-28 07:31 am (UTC)
lilysea: Serious (Default)
From: [personal profile] lilysea
The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown. Second attempt. I keep flinching at the part where she says "A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children." It's just that I've had to listen to way too many Nice Ladies explain that to me. For my own good. Really.

I want to read what Brené Brown has to say because she says that "fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." Which is pretty much the opposite of what the Nice Ladies in my past wanted me to do with my need for love and belonging.


Hmmm, interesting, thank you. ^_^

Date: 2013-03-28 04:48 pm (UTC)
jinian: (tomoyo)
From: [personal profile] jinian
I think when you say something is a need, you should always have to say what it's a prerequisite for. Humans need properly oxygenated air to sustain our lives beyond a few minutes. We need love and belonging to, what, be happy? Kind of, but there are different types of love and belonging, too, so I haven't really solved the problem. And, at base, l&b are a thing that happens in our minds rather than truly requiring outside intervention: if you think you have it you're okay, regardless of how other people actually feel toward you, and I can easily imagine myself being a weird woods-hermit who feels love and belonging toward/from a forest.

the equally important needs to be autonomous, to do good work, to live in accord with one's conscience

You really are one of my favorite people. I'm so sorry that the Nice Ladies had you trapped for a while there. They were wrong, and the situation was bad.

Date: 2013-03-28 06:19 pm (UTC)
snippy: Lego me holding book (Default)
From: [personal profile] snippy
I like your definition of need as a prerequisite to something, thanks.

Date: 2013-03-28 08:54 pm (UTC)
firecat: damiel from wings of desire tasting blood on his fingers. text "i has a flavor!" (Default)
From: [personal profile] firecat
A deep sense of love

Does this mean "a deep sense of loving" or "a deep sense of being loved"?

One of the instructors at my Buddhist sangha says that adults need to love, but they don't need to *be* loved. I don't know if it's true, because I've always felt that some entity currently alive loved me. But a lot of the time I do find loving (not necessarily directed at a specific person) more comforting than being loved. Anyway, I find the statement fascinating.

I agree with your equally important needs.

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