Ask me three times

This post on boundaries reminds me how very glad I am that most of my adult life is spent among people for whom You have the right to say no is the norm. At Wiscon, when I offered my chocolate-covered mango[*] to everyone in the conversational grouping, the decision to offer was mine, all mine, mine by right and also because I was in the best position to know whether or not I wanted to share; and the decision to accept or not was theirs, each of theirs, and if they needed any help deciding from me they would ask, for example, what kind of chocolate?

This way works so well that I really do not understand why other people do it differently.

I found, on Google groups, a post I wrote years ago on interacting with my in-laws, who came from cultures where, if you're the host, you have to offer everything three times, and if you're the guest, you have to wait for the third offer before you accept. I'm very shy, and very introverted, and kind of crap at communication at the best of times, so I spent a lot of my time with them thinking OH GOD TALKING SO HARD AND, WHEN YOU'RE AROUND, SO MUCH OF IT DO WE REALLY HAVE TO GO OVER THIS AGAIN? AND AGAIN? CAN I GO HOME NOW PLEASE OR CAN YOU GO HOME NOW PLEASE NO MORE TALKING TO ME PLEASE PLEASE? But besides that, I felt so disrespected every time they responded to my "no, thank you" by repeating the offer, and so disrespectful every time I had to make myself repeat an offer that they had just turned down.

My mother-in-law is the kind of woman who will let you know that she would like the window closed by exclaiming "My! What a nice fresh breeze!" If you don't catch on to that, all she can do is restate it more emphatically: "*What* a nice fresh *breeze*!" If you ask directly, "Would you like the window closed?" she has to exclaim, "Oh, no! I don't want to tell you what to do in your own house!"

(She really *doesn't* want to tell me what to do; she could bring herself that close to asking only because she has Meuniere's Disease, so the breeze was making her unbearably dizzy.)

I figured out the "Offer three times" rule after several years of puzzled observation (and what a barbarian she must have thought me all those times I offered to help only once!) It's still difficult for me to apply. Not taking no for an answer feels like disrespecting her.

So when I offer her something to eat and she says, "Oh no, I had a big breakfast, I couldn't eat a bite," I have to go do something else until I can pretend that some time has passed. By the time I work myself up to the third offer, she is practically fainting with hunger and willing to admit that she wouldn't mind a little -- just a little! -- something.

Sometimes I can speed things up a bit by nudging my partner or child to go make the second offer. Sometimes I just put food on the table and announce that it's time for lunch. Sometimes I can get her to accept a drink on the second offer by saying "It's very important to keep yourself hydrated to prevent altitude sickness, especially in this aridity." Is that the sort of shortcircuit you mean?

I always feel as though she's expecting me to dance a little gavotte with her -- advance - retreat - advance - touch hands - retreat - advance - bow - then you can progress through the figure -- while I am tromping across the dance floor, hay foot, straw foot, if you want to get from point A to point B why would you *not* take the most direct route?

I wouldn't mind learning to be a little less clumsy.

[*]Not a euphemism.