mixed emotions

[boxofdelights]

My dad died a few weeks ago. I didn't go. I would have wanted to forgive him, if he wanted to be forgiven, but more likely he would not have been able to resist one last opportunity to be cruel. He really enjoyed being cruel. And he never, when I knew him, ever wanted forgiveness.


Today siderea asked:

Quick poll for people who identify as geeky, engineers, scientists, and/or programmers:

Please comment:

1) How did you first get into geek stuff?
2) At what age?
3) At that time, what was your gender presentation, and if different your sex?
4) Your current age.

I answered:

My dad brought home The Hobbit, when I was five. He read me the first few pages and then gave me the book. Followed by a lot more fantasy and science fiction, and Star Trek, and Star Wars when it came out -- we didn't often go to movie theaters, but for that we did. I was a girl. I had an older brother and a younger sister, and we were all smart, but I was the precocious reader, and I was the one he shared his interests with. I am 52 now.

I loved him. I'm still angry. It's complicated.

Comments

[lilysea]

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your Dad's cruelty.

My Dad was severely abusive, so I send you ALL the empathies.

<3

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[oursin]

That's hard stuff to deal with. Sending good thoughts and {{{hugs}}}.

[boxofdelights]

Your hugs are always welcome.

[bibliofile]

Yeah, it's almost always more complicated, and especially so when the person in question is such an asshole.

[boxofdelights]

Yeah.

[misbegotten]

::hugs::

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[loligo]

I'm sorry for your loss, and for all the complications.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[silveradept]

We can still love people who clearly didn't love us in return. It sucks, especially when they're parents, and therefore have introduced us to things we do love.

Support and solidarity and hugs if you want them.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[kalmn]

Oh, hon. I am sorry that he was not the dad you deserved.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[julian]

It is always and forever more complicated. And will continue to be.

I'm sorry for the parts of it where it's a loss, and I'm glad he's gone, for some of the other parts. And I honor your mourning.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[wordweaverlynn]

Offering hugs if wanted.

[boxofdelights]

Definitely wanted, thank you.

[twistedchick]

Your father and mine. Only, he wanted a boy. So when I wanted to learn about mechanical things, like how to make things in his machine shop, I was never trusted to learn them.

::hugs::

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[seascribble]

I'm sorry for the angry and unpleasant emotional turmoil. *hugs* I hope it fades soon.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[sasha_feather]

<3

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[firecat]

I'm sorry for your loss. You deserved a better dad.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[divvyrummage]

I can kinda relate because my dad was so often so bitingly sarcastic as to make himself unapproachable. He died soon after my parents split up and it took me a few years to come to terms with the way things were left between us (which was not speaking, at the time). Condolences on your loss. xx

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[petra]

My sympathies for the complicated situation, and the ways these things never really resolve. May you find the strength you need in coming days.

[boxofdelights]

Thank you.

[j00j]

Belatedly catching up on DW after travel.

I'm sorry for your father's cruelty, and for your loss. That sounds really complicated and difficult, and I'm glad you made decisions that were about taking care of you.