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I'm having a lot of trouble with anxiety these days. A lot of anxiety, and a lot of trouble coping with it. Like, I'm not coping. I can't see any reason why it should be particularly difficult right now, except that anxiety is good at vicious circles. You're anxious about something that isn't a real problem, so you avoid doing it or looking at it or even thinking about it, and while you are not looking it says, "If you don't stop being anxious I will GIVE you something to be anxious about!" and turns into a real problem.
What I am particularly anxious about today is the book group dinner. I looked at my email today and discovered that the dinner is today, at 5:30, so I could, theoretically, go. Leaving the house, meeting people, those are always fraught; book group has its own special anxieties. And if I were going to see people then I would have to wash, and put on clean clothes. I believe I have clean clothes, but I am anxious enough that taking off my clothes is going to be a problem.
I'm probably not going. And book group is not going to turn into a real problem. But if you wanted to say something comforting anyway, I would appreciate it.
What I am particularly anxious about today is the book group dinner. I looked at my email today and discovered that the dinner is today, at 5:30, so I could, theoretically, go. Leaving the house, meeting people, those are always fraught; book group has its own special anxieties. And if I were going to see people then I would have to wash, and put on clean clothes. I believe I have clean clothes, but I am anxious enough that taking off my clothes is going to be a problem.
I'm probably not going. And book group is not going to turn into a real problem. But if you wanted to say something comforting anyway, I would appreciate it.
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Date: 2011-12-11 09:43 pm (UTC)So I'm only offering commiseration. I'm sorry we're not closer--if we were, I would ping you for chat.
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Date: 2011-12-11 10:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 10:28 pm (UTC)But you're seeing a therapist, right? Do you need some help finding one who feels right to you? I found a good one and I can share what my process was. I think this is pretty serious shit and I also believe you shouldn't have to live like this.
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Date: 2011-12-12 05:56 am (UTC)I'm not seeing a therapist. I have in the past, but they all turned out to be scary amounts of money for very little help, and that was when I brought them a specific problem of the kind that therapists can help with. What could they do with HAI IM BROKEN I JUST DONT WORK I NEVER DID I DONT BELIEVE I EVER WILL?
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Date: 2011-12-12 09:32 am (UTC)I guess when I can see the historical precedents that might have caused something, they make me feel like things are less broken, because they are explicable. Things one can explain are good.
Anyway, yes, I do not see a good reason why a therapist couldn't help you, except in the case that you don't have health insurance to cover it, in the case that you can't find an appropriate person because you're too much smarter than the therapist and they're intimidated (I think this really happens) or in the case that you are feeling too depressed to leave the house and look. I can probably help you with thing B and maybe also with thing C, if you want. One good thing internet friends can do is help brainstorm. Even though I'm far away, I can do that part.
I can also tell you that being anxious and depressed doesn't mean you're broken, and that I think you're actually a very cool person.
All the things you think of as wrong with you have another, positive side, and those positive qualities are very clear here in your journal. You have people who love you who wouldn't trade in the parts of you that you find difficult and wrong because they are conjoined with all this great stuff--perceptiveness, caring, sensitivity, intelligence, kindness, a strong awareness of the beauties of nature, intensity. I'm sure the people who know you in person have a longer list.
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Date: 2011-12-11 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 12:14 am (UTC)It was pretty terrifying, but I look around and see that many of the fannish folk are not concerned with how well they meet the expectations of conventional presentation.
And your lovely hair and interesting eyes are sufficient decoration on whatever garment. So, perhaps you could think of one tiny part of the standard you could not need to meet to leave the house?
(BTW, the WisCon survey had scores of people lauding the praises of your "Use the mic!" signs.)
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Date: 2011-12-12 03:59 am (UTC)(BTW, the WisCon survey had scores of people lauding the praises of your "Use the mic!" signs.)
Thank you. That really helps.
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Date: 2011-12-12 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 04:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 03:50 am (UTC)anxiety sucks. right now i only get it concurrently with pms, but then it's two days of low level suck and then i figure it out and start bleeding. bleh.
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Date: 2011-12-12 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 03:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-13 09:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 10:32 pm (UTC)Along the same line, I'm sitting here wondering what I can write that will be comforting, without seeming to be patronizing or in any way negative, because I really do want you to break out of the anxiety and just go have a pleasant time. But I couldn't think of just the right words to say, so instead I resorted to the meta-approach.
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Date: 2011-12-12 03:48 am (UTC)And amazingly, happily, and comfortingly, jumps get easier when done without too much gap.
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Date: 2011-12-12 04:50 am (UTC)Thank you for commenting even if you couldn't find the right words to say.
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Date: 2011-12-11 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 03:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 10:53 pm (UTC)I don't know whether you find that comforting.
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Date: 2011-12-12 12:27 am (UTC)I do not know if you were anxious when we met last summer, but you certainly didn't seem to be -- and it was a wonderful time. I'm really looking forward to seeing you at Wiscon.
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Date: 2011-12-12 05:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 03:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 03:36 am (UTC)*hug*
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Date: 2011-12-12 03:46 am (UTC)*love*
*useless handpat*
(And I should ask Sheeyun for an electronic copy of one of his photos of Chun Woo in ski gear, they're so cheeryawesome. They'd encourage at least 90% of humans.)
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Date: 2011-12-12 03:48 am (UTC)The only advice I can offer is not to be too hard on yourself. I try to treat it like I struck out at bat--tell myself it sucks, but I can shake it off and do better next time. And also, I try not to do last minute stuff. I find the anxiety isn't as bad when I've planned it out and I don't feel like it's a last-minute thing. If I feel more prepared, it's less scary and upsetting.
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Date: 2011-12-12 04:47 am (UTC)I'm not sure I can manage comforting today, since I am anxious due to having to get college work done and not enough time to do it properly, but I'll try for practical. What's the weather like where you are? I have a lot more anxiety when there isn't a lot of sunlight during the day, and darkness sets in early. The lightbox is helping with that, unless I overdose on it.
Also, I am always willing to give you *hugs*, and hope that one day they'll be in person again :)
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Date: 2011-12-12 06:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-15 09:36 pm (UTC)Be kind to yourself - you are worth it.