anxious

Dec. 11th, 2011 02:35 pm
boxofdelights: (Default)
[personal profile] boxofdelights
I'm having a lot of trouble with anxiety these days. A lot of anxiety, and a lot of trouble coping with it. Like, I'm not coping. I can't see any reason why it should be particularly difficult right now, except that anxiety is good at vicious circles. You're anxious about something that isn't a real problem, so you avoid doing it or looking at it or even thinking about it, and while you are not looking it says, "If you don't stop being anxious I will GIVE you something to be anxious about!" and turns into a real problem.

What I am particularly anxious about today is the book group dinner. I looked at my email today and discovered that the dinner is today, at 5:30, so I could, theoretically, go. Leaving the house, meeting people, those are always fraught; book group has its own special anxieties. And if I were going to see people then I would have to wash, and put on clean clothes. I believe I have clean clothes, but I am anxious enough that taking off my clothes is going to be a problem.

I'm probably not going. And book group is not going to turn into a real problem. But if you wanted to say something comforting anyway, I would appreciate it.

Date: 2011-12-11 09:43 pm (UTC)
schemingreader: red-winged blackbird on a rush (red-winged blackbird)
From: [personal profile] schemingreader
Unfortunately, I also have a lot of anxiety, so anything I say to be comforting is going to come out like advice.

So I'm only offering commiseration. I'm sorry we're not closer--if we were, I would ping you for chat.

Date: 2011-12-11 10:28 pm (UTC)
schemingreader: (Default)
From: [personal profile] schemingreader
I think it's more the opposite of belittling what you're anxious about. I mean, the fact that you're feeling this level of anxious about something that most people can do without any anxiety, like taking a shower and getting dressed, that's pretty major. But I don't want to be all AY AY AY OY OY OY, when probably you really need someone to be calm and not anxious about this. I know, it's companionable to have someone who is also anxious making jokes about how much it sucks to feel anxious from a position of empathy, but at the same time...maybe someone a little more calming would be good!

But you're seeing a therapist, right? Do you need some help finding one who feels right to you? I found a good one and I can share what my process was. I think this is pretty serious shit and I also believe you shouldn't have to live like this.

Date: 2011-12-12 09:32 am (UTC)
schemingreader: (Default)
From: [personal profile] schemingreader
Oh. No, I don't agree with the idea that severe social anxiety means you're broken and will never work. I think there are really good reasons for you to have trouble with social anxiety and depression, some of which you've revealed here.

I guess when I can see the historical precedents that might have caused something, they make me feel like things are less broken, because they are explicable. Things one can explain are good.

Anyway, yes, I do not see a good reason why a therapist couldn't help you, except in the case that you don't have health insurance to cover it, in the case that you can't find an appropriate person because you're too much smarter than the therapist and they're intimidated (I think this really happens) or in the case that you are feeling too depressed to leave the house and look. I can probably help you with thing B and maybe also with thing C, if you want. One good thing internet friends can do is help brainstorm. Even though I'm far away, I can do that part.

I can also tell you that being anxious and depressed doesn't mean you're broken, and that I think you're actually a very cool person.

All the things you think of as wrong with you have another, positive side, and those positive qualities are very clear here in your journal. You have people who love you who wouldn't trade in the parts of you that you find difficult and wrong because they are conjoined with all this great stuff--perceptiveness, caring, sensitivity, intelligence, kindness, a strong awareness of the beauties of nature, intensity. I'm sure the people who know you in person have a longer list.

Date: 2011-12-11 10:27 pm (UTC)
sasha_feather: Avatar Kyoshi from avatar: the last airbender cartoon (Lady avatar)
From: [personal profile] sasha_feather
Thinking of you! <3

Date: 2011-12-11 10:28 pm (UTC)
spuffyduds: wash of color background, with text "spuffy" (Default)
From: [personal profile] spuffyduds
*hugs you a lot*

Date: 2011-12-11 10:55 pm (UTC)
melusina: (mcr love)
From: [personal profile] melusina
I'm so sorry - that kind of anxiety is really frustrating. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. . . *hugs*

Date: 2011-12-12 12:14 am (UTC)
jesse_the_k: unicorn line drawing captioned "If by different you mean awesome" (different = awesome)
From: [personal profile] jesse_the_k
I went to a fannish event today and I didn't even wear half my underwear. (In the past, I would have spent at least 45 minutes trying and rejecting various outfits.)

It was pretty terrifying, but I look around and see that many of the fannish folk are not concerned with how well they meet the expectations of conventional presentation.

And your lovely hair and interesting eyes are sufficient decoration on whatever garment. So, perhaps you could think of one tiny part of the standard you could not need to meet to leave the house?

(BTW, the WisCon survey had scores of people lauding the praises of your "Use the mic!" signs.)

Date: 2011-12-12 01:07 am (UTC)
redbird: closeup of me drinking tea, in a friend's kitchen (Default)
From: [personal profile] redbird
It will be okay. As you say, whether or not you go, the book group is not going to turn into a real problem.

Date: 2011-12-12 03:50 am (UTC)
kalmn: (queenpirate)
From: [personal profile] kalmn
me and pirate think you're awesome.

anxiety sucks. right now i only get it concurrently with pms, but then it's two days of low level suck and then i figure it out and start bleeding. bleh.

Date: 2011-12-12 03:15 pm (UTC)
laughingrat: A detail of leaping rats from an original movie poster for the first film of Nosferatu (Default)
From: [personal profile] laughingrat
Oh god, anxiety is such a drag. I'm sorry it's being so loud right now. :(

Date: 2011-12-13 09:40 am (UTC)
firecat: poc holding water in hands (cupping water)
From: [personal profile] firecat
If it's comforting to know you're not the only one who feels that way sometimes: you're not the only one.

Date: 2011-12-11 10:24 pm (UTC)
eeyorerin: (anxiety creature)
From: [personal profile] eeyorerin
Brain hamsters suck. If a hug would be welcome I offer it.

Date: 2011-12-11 10:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wcg.livejournal.com
Sometimes it can help to just stop thinking about things and act. Maybe that will help to get around the anxiety?

Along the same line, I'm sitting here wondering what I can write that will be comforting, without seeming to be patronizing or in any way negative, because I really do want you to break out of the anxiety and just go have a pleasant time. But I couldn't think of just the right words to say, so instead I resorted to the meta-approach.

Date: 2011-12-12 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amaebi.livejournal.com
Ah, yes. Sometimes one just needs to jump.

And amazingly, happily, and comfortingly, jumps get easier when done without too much gap.

Date: 2011-12-11 10:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hobbitbabe.livejournal.com
I am glad to hear from you, and those feelings are familiar enough that, well, I'm sitting here going, I think book club is supposed to be tomorrow, so if I'm going to cook something it should probably be now, and I had this whole scheme to surprise them with something knitted but they're not done and what if they don't like them and it's all awkward and embarrassing and anyway it's more important to go to the post office ...

Date: 2011-12-11 10:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elissaann.livejournal.com
I find it comforting that I'm not the only person who goes through this.

I don't know whether you find that comforting.

Date: 2011-12-12 12:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ljgeoff.livejournal.com
And I have no experience with this at all, but have other problems instead.

I do not know if you were anxious when we met last summer, but you certainly didn't seem to be -- and it was a wonderful time. I'm really looking forward to seeing you at Wiscon.

Date: 2011-12-12 03:36 am (UTC)
lcohen: (books)
From: [personal profile] lcohen
i wish i were closer because what helps me in these situations is to have someone to go with so that i have an ally. but you're talking to the woman who took three years to work up the nerve to go shapenote singing. my comfort is that if i work past it, it is usually worth it to go to things and i enjoy them--i hope that it might be the same for you.

*hug*

Date: 2011-12-12 03:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amaebi.livejournal.com
I'm sorry I missed the proper window of opportunity.

*love*

*useless handpat*

(And I should ask Sheeyun for an electronic copy of one of his photos of Chun Woo in ski gear, they're so cheeryawesome. They'd encourage at least 90% of humans.)

Date: 2011-12-12 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the_con_cept.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this--it's such a crummy situation. Is it a generalized anxiety or more of a social anxiety? I've struggled with both and they're no fun. I think it may be some mental disorder that runs in my family, because some of my relatives have been literal recluses, and I sometimes get very bad in that area. Being in my own place just seems so safe and easy, you know? And unless I have something I particularly want to say, I get so nervous about talking to people or asking questions.

The only advice I can offer is not to be too hard on yourself. I try to treat it like I struck out at bat--tell myself it sucks, but I can shake it off and do better next time. And also, I try not to do last minute stuff. I find the anxiety isn't as bad when I've planned it out and I don't feel like it's a last-minute thing. If I feel more prepared, it's less scary and upsetting.

Date: 2011-12-12 04:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baratron.livejournal.com
You're ever so right about anxiety and vicious circles. It's easy to get trapped. At least you've recognised that you have no particular reason to be anxious, which may help with it - I know that I can sometimes defeat negative thought patterns by telling them "You're not real - you're just bad brain chemistry talking!".

I'm not sure I can manage comforting today, since I am anxious due to having to get college work done and not enough time to do it properly, but I'll try for practical. What's the weather like where you are? I have a lot more anxiety when there isn't a lot of sunlight during the day, and darkness sets in early. The lightbox is helping with that, unless I overdose on it.

Also, I am always willing to give you *hugs*, and hope that one day they'll be in person again :)

Date: 2011-12-12 06:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beaq.livejournal.com
All the pets. I hope you did something you enjoyed a little anyway, even if you weren't "supposed" to do it.

Date: 2011-12-15 09:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pennski.livejournal.com
Retrospective hugs.
Be kind to yourself - you are worth it.

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