I fail at Wiscon.

[boxofdelights]

Just briefly. I will be brave and cheerful again soon.

I ducked out of "Vids with Something to Say" because whatever they had to say I couldn't hear it, because I let shyness push me into the second row of chairs, and then the projector showed up, and moved some of the front-row chairs out of line, so I could no longer see two of the panelists. There was still an open seat at the far end of the front row, but I couldn't find enough courage to walk in front of the projector to get to it.

So now I am full of contempt for myself, for making a bad decision, for not being brave enough to fix it, for needing to cry, for letting myself whine about the whole thing here. Please don't tell me not to feel that way. I know I shouldn't feel that way. Telling myself that I have no reason to feel the way I feel does not reduce the self-contempt. Oddly enough.

Comments

[amaebi]

*love*

[jesse_the_k]

Oh, I have so been there.

It's a ton of working standing up for ourselves over and over and over again.

(I may sound like it's all easy but I didn't eat until 8:30 because I couldn't handle the crowding in two other restaurants I tried. It was cry in public or leave and cry.)

I hope the tears work their cathartic magic, and best wishes.

[j00j]

*hugs* if you would like them (and in person next time I see you here, if you would like).

[jinian]

*hugs* I am getting really frustrated with panelists who don't use mics, too. It's always "you aren't going to make me use the mic, are you?" I'm going to start saying YES.

[vito_excalibur]

It's hard being shy. It just is. Sympathy.

[aedifica]

I've been there too, yeah. So far not this con, but yes. I wish you strength and con-enjoyment-ness.

I'm happy we got to have a meal together yesterday!

[sasha_feather]

I'm sorry that happened. That programming room was clearly too small for that panel, and they needed a mic in there.

[rozasharn.livejournal.com]

Hugs and sympathy.

[ritaxis.livejournal.com]

That kind of stuiff always happens to me at least once in any convention. One of the reasons that it is very easy for me to drop convention attendance from my list of things to do.

[aprilinblue.livejournal.com]

Telling myself that I have no reason to feel the way I feel does not reduce the self-contempt. Oddly enough.

Why would it?

Your feelings are valid, and there is a reason why you feel the way you do. The frustration and self-contempt likely comes from not fully knowing or understanding the reasons behind your actions, and therefore not being able to really fix or address the problem.

[amaebi.livejournal.com]

I love you.

I once knew a very tiresome economist, M., married to a woman, R., whose crucifixion by shyness was very painful indeed. One night when they were having dinner with us I saw that R. wanted sugar or salt and was waiting until M. paused in his pontification, so that I could ask which I might pass. Without pausing M. turned and berated R. for not asking for what she wanted.

As I managed to get R. what she wanted, I explained to M. that sometimes things aren't worth the effort required right then.

I got round my own crippling shyness earlier in life by sneaking round the edge on days that weren't so hard. After a while I noticed how that lowered the barriers all round and worked to exploit it.

I'm damned lucky and I know it.

I hope you can find a way to be easier on your magnificent self.

[randomdreams.livejournal.com]

Fie.
I'd totally do the same thing, and I'm not even particularly shy. Empathy, nonetheless.

[amaebi.livejournal.com]

Yeah.

[mswyrr]

I've got every sympathy for you there. Sometimes after social interaction I keep thinking "I just want to bang my head against a wall until I can forget that ever happened."

Social interaction is big and scary and your feelings about it are not something that should be dismissed by anyone.

[firecat]

That kind of stuiff always happens to me at least once in any convention.

This.

[bunnyjadwiga.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, I always have a moment like that at Darkover. I thought it was just because there are so many people I have long histories with there. (Fortunately coming to a con with Beekman gives me plenty of excuses to go hide when I can't cope.)

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Man. Been THERE a time or two (or, you know, more).

Hug. Or something. (And, hrm, how to phrase this. You don't have to, in the long run, feel this sort of way, but just because, in the long run, you may change so that you don't have to feel these sorts of ways, doesn't mean that currently, you're not hurting and ashamed for very good reason. Since you are, and it hurts. "Shouldn't," in this context, sucks.)

[orangemike.livejournal.com]

Our respect for you is not diminished by you being you. Glad to have you here, of course.

[gravity-jig.livejournal.com]

There once was a dog, a beautiful white german shepherd pup. he was kept in a crate. he was raised with no kindness, no love. scared of everything, shy beyond words. a stud dog he was supposed to become. more ill suited for that line of work he could not be. he was abandoned as hopeless.

Given a safe home, a new name, reasonable expectations, and kindness he began to learn to trust, to become less crazy, more sane. You are responsible for that. For not giving up on him when others had.

You didn't fix the predicament today because you weren't "brave" enough. So? What did you do with that basket-case dog when he acted insufficiently brave to handle a situation? You tried again. With encouragement. And kindness. Treat yourself half as well as you treat Aiko!

[pennski.livejournal.com]

Oh hugs!

Sometimes this stuff is hard to do. Please believe the wise comments above.